is your mom at the bar?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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