I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
