I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We need a shit load of segways right now
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
