Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
