just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
