Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
