hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
