So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
