My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
