Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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