She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
