I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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