he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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