your parents love me but you hate me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
