garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
