She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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