Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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