i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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