the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
