Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize