she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
