I CAN MOONWALK!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We left the knife in your bed.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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