Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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