overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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