Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
