If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
