I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
