she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
