I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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