So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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