I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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