Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize