Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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