You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
