At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Text me some of your sweat
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
