i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
