This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
