The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
