I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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