the condom got lost in my hair
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize