K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
