drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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