Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
