His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
