I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
