I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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