My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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