the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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