Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
