Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
