from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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