Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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