he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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