[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
