one two three fourrrrnication!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
