I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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