Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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