I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
